The song became a part of me when I was just a little girl. Over the years it took root in the deepest part of my heart. As I nurtured and cared for the song, it matured and blossomed until one day the blossom was plucked and trampled, the stem shriveled and the roots became dry; my song was in danger of being forgotten or even worse, dying. I still loved God, I knew He was continuing to walk by my side, I had the comforting assurance of salvation, but the “spirit of heaviness” had quieted my song. I had entered an unfamiliar place in my life, unsure of even my identity. I now understood the Israelites statement in Psalms 137: 1, 2, & 4. “By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down, yea, we wept, when we remembered Zion. 2We hanged our harps upon the willows in the midst thereof. 4How shall we sing the Lord's song in a strange land? I was in a strange land, how could I continue to sing the Lord’s song? I couldn’t even remember the words.
For many years, Steve and I had been in ministry, mostly pastoring small, start-up churches. It was hard work, exhausting and trying at times, but it was the Song of My Heart. After all the years of working with few resources, wearing a different hat to fulfill the current need and pouring our lives into people who often opted for the bigger, program-rich church, we were so excited when God opened the door to pastor an established church. My song was never far from bursting forth with a joyful melody. I loved being a Pastor’s Wife. I loved sharing in the success of our congregation, crying with them as I shared their burdens, praying for them daily, and blessing them with little things I picked up with them in mind. Suddenly, we were thrust from the position that we knew God had placed us in. I felt as if the beautiful flower of my song had been ruthlessly pulled off the stem and trampled underfoot. Who was I? I had no role in the familiar life I had lived for so long. I found it hard to pray. Who should I pray for? How should I pray? Many days my devotion time was spent with just tears, no sound. Other days, it was spent in thanksgiving but with a joyless voice. Most of the time I went through the motions because it was the only lifeline to my song as the smothering spirit of heaviness settled over me. Thank God the story isn’t over and the song was really never far away.
As I continued to “go through the motions,” the thanksgiving turned into praise. A quote from Pastor Joel Chipman sums up this metamorphosis so well, “You can’t wear the coat of the Spirit of Heaviness at the same time you wear the Garment of Praise.” What I thought was “going through the motions” was actually God restoring my song. The many tears were being used to water and strengthen the wounded roots of my song. God was using the words of thanksgiving to become new and tender sprouts that would once again burst forth into joyful song at just the right time. As God softly sang the song He had put in my heart so many years ago, I realized exactly who I was and always will be; His child, His chosen vessel. The only thing missing from all the things I loved about being a pastor’s wife is the title. I can still rejoice in other’s successes, there will always be someone to encourage along the journey, I can always find a sister who needs her day brightened by a little gift selected with her in mind and there will always be many needs to bring before God in prayer.
CS Lewis said, “A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.” My song was never really far away because I never let go of the Giver of the song. I may have temporarily forgotten the words and some of the words have changed but, my best friend, Jesus was always right by my side softly humming the tune as He carried me through the storm. If you feel you have lost your song or maybe it hasn’t been sung in so long you’ve forgotten the words, find a quiet place to get in touch with the one who knows your heart. God put the song there, He knows the words and He will sing them back to you. The song is never really far away.
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